she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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