i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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