my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
