I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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