Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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