How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
