Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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