someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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