You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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