why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
