Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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