I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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