Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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