It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
