Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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