well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm like, not good at living.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
