My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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