my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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