God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
