The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
