Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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