But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
