i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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