this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
