He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
