i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
