Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
