its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Vodka?
Forever.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
