The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
