I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
