wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
