I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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