I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
