my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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