What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
