No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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