But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
