i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
