grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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