Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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