if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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