I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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