this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
