My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The adults are the big ones right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
