Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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