i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
