My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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