I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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