Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
