upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
