You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
