woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
